illuxinated | [For Jason]

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jason

[For Jason]

In her nearly eighteen years, Lux Cassidy has been through a lot of genuinely horrible things. There came a point a very long time ago where she learned to steel herself against them, to dig in her heels and straighten her spine and take it on the chin. For the most part she's been able to cope this way, whether it be through loss or violence. She's been able to find her strength and move on. Most of the time, there hasn't be any other option.

This time, though, it's different.

She's lost track of what day it is. For a week and a half she's barely left the house—Not her own, but Baze's. She sleeps curled up in the middle of his bed. Jason and Kate and the Loss Services people have made sure that she's eating, that she's getting at least a little human interaction, that she's pulling herself out of bed to do things like shower. But Lux is so damned tired of being strong, and now she doesn't even know why she should bother anymore. It's all just going to be taken from her anyway.

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Jason creeps in as he always does, but these days it feels like he's coming in backwards, slipping through the window of Lux's stone apartment loft and climbing downward, digging for the too open spaces once occupied by Baze.

He finds her this time at the table, bigger than it was before, of sturdier wood, and he thinks that it isn't fair. She should have something to remember Baze by, even if it's just his kitchen table.

"Hey," he says, ignoring the free chair to crouch at her knee. "Did you eat yet?"

That Lux has to stop and think about it probably says a lot. "I don't remember when it was," she admits with a slight duck of her head. Were their roles reversed, she'd absolutely do the same for Jason, but it still makes her feel a little guilty that he's essentially been taking care of her for the last week. She reaches a self-conscious hand up to push a bit of lank hair behind her ear and bites briefly against her lower lip.

"I can do it," she says. "You don't have to."

"I like making you food," says Jason, touching his fingertips to her cheek before he kisses the spot. He smiles as he pulls away. "I think I'm getting better at it. Be easier if Victorians believed in a good old sandwich," he adds with a small laugh. "What do you feel like? Soup?"

"Whatever you want," Lux replies, already feeling too guilty about it to let herself be picky about what he makes. She very nearly pushes herself to her feet and trails after Jason like a shadow, but her pride keeps her seated firmly at the table, staring at her hands.

"Thank you," she remembers to add, flicking a glance up to him. "Not just for the food, I mean. For being here. I know I haven't been a very good girlfriend lately."

"You're always a good girlfriend," says Jason with a quick smile that leaves no room for exaggeration. He means it; he loves her sad as much as he does happy, even if he prefers the latter, and needs only her love in return. He moves to the stove, striking a match over a cast iron burner.

"I can't believe they have soup in cans," Jason says, grateful. "M'still gonna boil it, though, just in case. Bucky says we could all get botulism and die barfing. After that I could run you a bath?"

There's a moment there, short but acute, when Lux nearly starts crying. Fortunately she laughs instead, albeit weakly, Bucky's admonishments about botulism and barfing saving them from her impending weeping. The smallest things set her off these days.

"Is that your polite way of telling me I smell?" she asks. She's pretty sure she doesn't, but she also can't remember exactly when the last time was she bathed, so it's probably not a bad idea regardless. Filling the tub has seemed like such an effort when she could just stay in bed instead.

"You don't smell," says Jason, grinning over his shoulder, "but if your hair gets any dirtier it's gonna turn brown. Besides. I like these baths." They're a pain in the ass to fill, but they're huge and copper warm, definitely with room for two. "Why bother filling the whole thing if just one person's gonna get in?"

Lux ducks her head with a smile. It feels unbelievably good, that flush of quiet happiness, however fleeting it might prove to be.

"I did brush my teeth today," she replies, and settles her chin on her hand as she watches Jason. "Just so you know."

"Oh well, that's some comfort," says Jason, turning up the heat until he sees bubbles begin to form. He takes the pot off the stove at once, spooning some into a bowl so it will cool as fast as possible. Reaching for the bread, he breaks off a hunk and brings both to the table.

"It's really hot," he says. "So go slow, or I'll make you play airplane."

Not for the first time, Lux thinks of how good a dad Jason would be, how much better at it than his own just for trying harder, and she ducks her head again at the slight pang in her chest. He'd wanted that so badly, back when they'd thought she was pregnant.

It was better this way, she felt certain of, but it was hard to not feel a little guilty about it all.

"Thank you," she repeats in a murmur, peeking up at him as she blows dutifully across a spoonful of soup.

Jason waits until she's swallowed her first mouthful, then grins and kisses her cheek. "I'll start the bath up," he says, ducking into the master bathroom. He'll say one thing for this whole steampunk shtick, all those goofy gears and steam can at least heat water in a hurry.

"You want bubbles?" he shouts through the open door.

"I can't believe you actually just asked me that," Lux calls back, pausing to shake her head despairingly over her soup. She won't end up eating nearly as much as he'll like her to, but she's trying.

"On what planet would I say no to bubbles in my huge Victorian bathtub?"

"The planet on which they obscure the view!" Jason calls back, testing the temperature of the gushing water with his finger before he comes to lean in the door. "Maybe I want a reward for my services."

"A reward other than being naked in a bathtub with me?" Lux says, and settles her spoon against the rim of her bowl so that she can turn to better look at Jason. "I had no idea you were so expensive."

It doesn't seem right, leaving most of the soup to probably get cold and be wasted, but there's only so much Lux can force herself to eat, and a boyfriend in a warm bath sounds more inviting anyway. She pushes to her feet and plods down the hall to meet him in the doorway.

"I like bubbles."

"Fine," says Jason, but he's grinning, turning away from the door to toss in a scoopful of the weird but nice smelling salts kept by the edge of the tub. When he returns, she's already there in the doorway.

"Done eating already?" he asks, wrapping her up in his arms.

"I'll have some more later," Lux swears, which is really the best she can do. She won't be allowed to get away with backing out on the promise anyway.

Pausing, she leans in, forehead pressed against Jason's shoulder. For a long moment she just stays there, still and quiet but for her breathing.

"Okay," she says at length, and swings her head back up. "Bath."

Jason strokes his hand down her back a last time, kissing her forehead before he steps back a few mere inches. "I hated baths when I was a kid. Even the giant tubs at Wayne Manor."

His fingers work the few buttons of her nightshirt. "Then I realized bath time was naked time and it became awesome."

"Before Cate and Baze, I stayed with this foster family who had a little boy who tried to sneak into the bathroom every time I showered," Lux confesses with a wrinkle of her nose and a shudder. "Bath time was not fun time with that little creeper around."

Belatedly, she realizes that she's just mentioned Baze and sobers, ducking her head to focus on pulling her clothes off.

Jason pulls off his own in silence, knowing that unlike in happier times, the mere sight of his abs won't be enough to cheer her. He waits until she's toed off her stockings and picks her up, bridal style, and presses his nose to her cheek.

"It'll be okay," he murmurs. "Come bathe with a big creeper instead."

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[For Jason]

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